Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
