Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
