I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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