I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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