Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
