her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
