he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
