bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
