Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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