I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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