My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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