The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
