Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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