dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
