Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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