I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
