apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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