yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
