I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
