i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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