what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
