I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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