i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
