she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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