He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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