; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
