The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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