Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
