I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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