Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
