Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
