look no pants
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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