Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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