also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
