im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
