I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You are a genius and a whore.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
