if i died would you start the facebook group?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
