my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
