All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
