You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
