So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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