Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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