Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
