You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
