When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
