My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So vagazzling was a success
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
