I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
