This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
