i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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