Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
