Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
