Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
