tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
