I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
